*The Second Affair*
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schultz, he made an amazing discovery: Schultz had the longest private part he had ever seen! ''I'm sorry, Mr. Schultz,'' said the mortician, ''but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.'' And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. ''I have something to show you that you won't believe,'' he said, opening his briefcase. ''Oh, my God!'' she screamed. ''Schultz is dead!''

*The Third Affair*
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ''Hurry!'' she said ''Stand in the corner!'' She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ''Don't move until I tell you to,'' she whispered.'' Just pretend you're a statue.'' ''What's this, honey?'' the husband inquired as he entered the room. ''Oh, it's just a statue,'' she replied nonchalantly. ''The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.'' No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ''Here,'' he said to the statue, ''eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.''

*The Fourth Affair*
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. ''Certainly, sir,'' replies the bartender. ''That'll be 1 cent.'' ''ONE CENT!'' exclaims the customer. The barman replies, ''Yes.'' So the guy glances over the menu and asks, ''Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?'' ''Certainly, sir,'' replies the bartender, ''but all that comes to real money.'' ''How much money?'' inquires the guy. ''Four cents,'' the bartender replies. ''FOUR cents!'' exclaims the guy. ''Where's the guy who owns this place?'' The bartender replies, ''Upstairs with my wife.'' The guy asks, ''What's he doing with your wife?'' The bartender replies, ''Same as I'm doing to his business.''

*The Fifth Affair*
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, ''My darling Becky,'' he whispered. ''Hush, my love,'' she said. ''Rest. Shhh, don't talk.'' He was insistent. ''Becky,'' he said in his tired voice, ''I have something I must confess to you.'' ''There's nothing to confess,'' replied the weeping Becky. ''Everything's all right. Go to sleep.'' ''No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!'' ''I know,'' Becky whispered softly. ''That's why I poisoned you.''